When I was 10,  a truck hit the side of the car I was sitting in full on. Not only did we drive away from it, it didn't wake me up.

Who says old cars aren't safe?
 

...in kind of an ok way.

Got the job at Target, woo! I'm going to be a movies, magazines and books specialist, full time hours and benefits!!! My orientation is on the 5/22, with a questionable time ( 11:30 pm, WTF?!).

I've actually been feeling pretty alright, mom and I are still seeing pretty eye to eye about things. In truth, a lot of the fighting I was taking part in was more about me trying to be "understood" not realizing that me and my mother will really have a perfect understanding. While  I live in her house,  I would much rather have a peaceful existence. I am not so proud to say that my own identity is more important than doing what the fuck I need to do to get my feet back under me and get the hell out.

Yesterday really solidified my desire to move out, mainly because I follow under my mother to strictly that I kind of get left behind.

I have a group of friends that I have known for literally half of my life that I am beginning to feel really left out around. Since I'm the one with the strictest parents, I'm always the one that has to be home first. Or call to check in all the time. Or can't go out because my mother is fucking incapable of doing something by herself ( mainly because of the fact that my mother is probably one of the most spoiled women in existence).

I guess I'm just frustrated because I'm used to planning for things and they do stuff on a whim. Half the time I can't come because I'm already busy and other half of the time, they forget I haven't had shitty T-mobile since OCTOBER. Geez.

I just feel sort of bad, because I am so close to them and yet, not. More and more it's starting to feel like I am inflicting myself on them, and I can't tell if it's just me or not. Well, most of them anyway. This one traitorous bitch that just bailed on the rest of us can go choke on her WOW boyfriend's cock for all I care.

So recap: New job happening (YAY), less parental drama (SUPER YAY),  I miss my friends/I want more social life (PLEASE?).

MOVING MAY BECOME AN OPTION IN THE FUTURE!!!!! :D


AND I FORGOT,  I STILL HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING CREATIVE. D:

Are becoming less and less things that are a part of my personality and more and more a way that I give myself an excuse to procrastinate.

I've been working out, doing better at my job and all around more enjoying my life since I decided that I was going to stop complaining and  start taking care of  myself.

Little by little, I see my progress growing and while I get the distinct feeling that I am about to have another right-degree angle thrown into my life, I'm not exactly fearing it. In truth, the only real thing I'm stressing over right now is how in the ever loving fuck am I going to go to Otakon this year. But that' s more about being super early in planning for the con and really, really, really wanting to meet Mary Elizabeth McGlynn.

The military for now is a last ditch option. I am still going to work out and I am still going to study for the test, but suddenly I am more focused on getting better.

I haven't felt this good before. It's not like super stoked LIFE IS AWESOME kind of vibe. I'm just not dreading the next day's events. Or going to work.

OH OH OH. Me and my mom  haven't had a fight for like... nearly a whole month. :DDD

Finally on the creative end, I've been drawing little by little. Nothing major, all of it's probably not going to go to my DA account,  but I feel like I can start getting on a schedule for my artwork.

... I feel much better.

In fact, since my last post, I've been doing better all around. My mother and I have been able to have completely mature and honest conversations about my choice and I've been cultivating my discipline little by little.

I've been thinking about the future again and suddenly I don't feel suffocated. The progress is coming along, slowly and surely - if a little painfully.

I'm even trying to get my blackberry to sync with outlook so I can use that!

I think this panic thing is getting easier and easier to recover from. :D

I don't really have much to say other than that.

For the first time, in nearly all my time of adoring the Art Institute so thoroughly, I was questioned.

It was innocent enough. My mother noticed I hadn't put anything toward my savings for school (long story) for the past three paychecks. She said that the Art Institute is very expensive for me to not be sure. She still thinks the military is still probably the best option for me. I have explained to her before that I am pretty sure that I would fail boot camp and I would rather not deal with that.

She said that being afraid is not an excuse to not do something and suddenly my world is reeling.

I often feel like I am shrinking in on myself, as if I could be something glorious and beautiful- but I do not.  I hate failure. I am a sore loser. I would rather not try, rather do it later, get someone else to do it for me anything but to do it myself.

Because the only thing I hate more than failure is being ..bothered.

I do not have specific words because it is such a wide set of behaviors and things I would much rather not deal with.

I don't feel like having the conversation about my sexuality with my mother or anyone else besides my father in my family.  I don't particularly feel like having a talk about my boyfriend's distance from me or the fact that I have not once bothered to introduce him to my family or the fact he is white. I don't really feel like explaining that everyone in my family is an opinionated asshole, including myself. And I don't feel like explaining that I think that my mother and aunt are idiots for being dogmatic bitches and neither their familial relation to me nor their astounding level of intelligence otherwise will save them.

The truth is, the only family I only really care about my parents, my brothers, my niece and now ex-sisterinlaw. I do not know my grandfather and aunt it's quite a bit too late to foster a relationship with them. I am the youngest, so my viewpoints mean nothing to them. My grandmother's death left a chasm in the family and I have no desire to cross it.

Between my job, my ambitions, reality and my emotional state trying to fuck itself every now and again I can't really afford any bullshit.

I seek relief anyway I can afford, mostly food right now.  I am ecstatic when something goes my way, no matter how small and yet sometimes I become so emotionally backed up that my mildly oblivious mother notices.

I have to say this, because I think because of these acts of mental self-preservation, I am starting to grow uncomfortable. I am a fake in the worst way, I deal in half-truths.

I am one person to some, a different person to others, and still another to others. I can count on one hand all the people who have seen all of my facets as a result of me trying to be honest and clear with them. Only one of them is a family member genetically. Two are extremely close friends I have known for at least five years. Two I haven't seen since I left college.

A few have been perceptive enough to see through me, or at least know something is terribly amiss in the way I go about my interactions.

I am tired of not being a whole person.

Hell, when I'm home alone my myself I often remember how laid back I was as a child and how much I have changed. I remember making the decision to become 'tougher', so that I wouldn't get picked on so much. I remember willfully deciding that my mother was going to practically pull teeth to know anything about me ever again. I remember not talking to people that didn't talk to me first so I didn't waste time talking to people that wanted nothing to do with me. I remember most of the choices that got me here emotionally.

I regret only the 'toughness' thing. Regret meaning "sure the results of the other shit sucks, but I only want to take back".

I quite like being a bitch, I enjoy being aggressive. Sometimes I get bitchy for no other reason than I want to not be the only one suffering. I find the quickest way to piss off the people who truly aggravate me on a regular basis and I lash out as soon as I am annoyed.

Example: My mother and I are completely different. We do want a healthy meaningful relationship. However she wants too much control and I love smacking her in the face with passive-aggression when she tries to dig her claws to deep too much to be the bigger man.

But more than the self-preservation, more than the rage I revel in (when I can afford it), I am addicted to the cycle of instant gratification-pain-relief that I have been creating for myself.

The relief and pleasure I feel when I get to a bright spot in my life is so great, I think I have been creating problems for myself to fix. So can can feel a little bit better sometimes. The T-Mobile debt, my avoidance of 'chores', and things I'll probably think of later.

With genuine honesty, I think the feelings of suicide were the wake up pattern to this behavior. I think I was so used to sabotaging myself that I got to a point that I dug a whole and did not see a way out. I got scared and and I didn't want to play anymore, so to speak.

Some of this probably doesn't make sense, but I feel better saying it, at least until I get a better way of expressing how I feel.

OTAKON IS NOT IN AUGUST , BUT JULY THIS YEAR.  WHY WAS I NOT NOTIFIED?!

DDD:

I NEED A NEW JOB. I NEED MORE HOURS

MOST OF ALL I NEED MONEY TO GO. ACK ACK ACK

So I'm mostly app'ed up to go to AIPH (Art Institute of Philadelphia). After I pay my Enrollment fee, send my transcripts and finish my essay, I'll be completely applied to the Art Institute.

I'm going for Media Arts and Animation, which is hailed as one of the most intense at the school, however I am confident that once I get my classes scheduled, I'll be able to figure out a schedule for myself.

* OVER JOYED :DDDD*

... lot's of shit has happened since my birthday.

This week has been super-crazy with all the ineptness and borderline serious situations going around.

On the sides of positives, I've finally gotten my FASFA done and I'm slowly preparing my application to the Art Institute, to be put in when I have proper funding. Also I've started a mildly painful workout program. Ab exercise and dancing for the WIN. Also going to be saving up for a bike soon, so be prepared to see bitching about how much I suck at that soon.

Now, I've brought up this whole exercise thing, because in some subconscious part of my mind, I am quite terrified.

My family has always been food lovers and we are not particularly light people. I personally haven't been in my optimal body weight since the beginning of high school.  My great-grandmother and grandmother were diabetic and both died from health issues related to the inability to take the best care of their physical bodies.

To list my family history, in direct line to me includes the following problems: Diabetes (all women in direct ancestry), High-Bloodpressure, high cholesterol, joint and back problems due to being over weight, cancer, heart attacks.

My father, while the oldest in the family (8 years senior to my mother), is also the healthiest. He has done the best for himself out of all my family members and is a mere 20 lbs. away from his target weight.

This past monday, his physical came back with results indicating pre-diabetes.

One of the healthiest people I know is in danger of being diabetic.

I need to fix this, I don't want to be dependant all this medicine like my mother is. I don't want to be in pain all the time like my mother is. However I realize I barely have better eating habits than my mother and I don't know what I can do to curb my eating.

I know I eat emotionally and I know that the things that taste best are often laden with sugar and fat. However I am not in a place financially to support a sudden in flux of healthier eating or a change in lifestyle.

I have no fucking clue what I am going to do.

My birthday always inspires massive introspection on my part, but especially more than usual this year.  Along with an upcoming open house with the college I've loved since I was in high school and several big game releases this month, I feel a little on edge.

That and this Friday marks three weeks without cigarettes. *triumphant criiiinge*

For those of you playing the home game, nearly two months ago I finally admitted to a level of self-destructive behavior that was ultimately rooted in the desire to die. I wanted to erase myself and what very few marks I left on this world. I hated my existance and had what can only be described as a bipolar level of affection for my mother and my job.

A very strange thing has been happening, now that I've been forced to confront my failings and hone myself into a better state.

I do not make any bones about what GS is for me, it is a job that I can at the very least pay most of my bills with (although- I admit that most of the debt I have is due to self-infliction by way of stupidity). I do like working there occasionally but one of my co-workers is making me fall off of my past pattern of lazy achievement and nonchalance about job performance.  After the third change of managers, I pretty much gave up on standing out.  But my store is flying up the ranks and I have very little to do with it: I know this because my stats are sporadic and I haven't been working a lot of days straight.

I just realized that I may get shown up on a job by a neophyte that I do not like that does not listen. It took a full three days of offended seething and another day just to realize I was jealous of the sap. He shows up and after a few months of mostly unremarkable performances from the two of us - he suddenly ups and starts pulling numbers like he's been a part of this store for [nearly] three years.

I will remedy this.

Another thing that has me thinking, is the near constant drama between my mother, my aunt and I. I am still getting used to this notion, that despite their dispositions and behavior, they actually like me. Quite a bit in fact. I don't understand either of them and quite honestly I can very much say I don't think I would miss them much if I moved tomorrow. 

The sticky situation is that I know my mother does need me genuinely . If I left under bad blood, she'd never be able to deal- despite her gruff words and questionable treatment.

The time has come for me to stop being afraid of stepping on toes in order to get some stuff done. As I write, I have to give my mother a 'plan', complete with time-line so that she will drop my rent to $150. Not stop me from paying rent - drop it $30 dollars. As it stands, I cannot afford to pay her rent and save up money to go to school. So I will be having a talk with my family on the 7th about the state of my funding and school.

I've rambled long enough. Happy birthday to me!

Myers-Briggs says I am an INFP and Enneagram says I am a 4.

I think since I do my best to answer honestly, my results are pretty dead on.

 Only this time not quite so depressing.

I suppose that at this moment, I am still very untrusting of spilling my heart out to anyone that is not directly in front of me. I seem to have a constipated imagination and it's fustrating. My mother, unfortunately seems to be taking her exhaustion due to school and work out on me and I am plainly put, in no place to fight with her. 

I have been lazy as of late and I feel a horrible level of digust with myself. So much I want to change and I fall into the same patterns and behaviors that have gotten me into this place in my life in the first place. Sometimes, for all the academic intelligence that I prided myself on having, I think that truthfully sometimes I fail at being a person. 

Allow me to explain.

I'm not sure where to go from here, I seem to have lost my steam. The decisions i made, the ones I wanted so badly for myself - the vegetarianism, the meditation, have all taken a backseat to surviving for the moment.  The barest construct of a plan I seem to have is for school and that's mostly my own personal funding. My family will help after I am actually getting ready to go- however to get to that point I have to save up at least enough money to cover my class(es - part-time gets me more financial aid) just in case someone decides to be a bitch and withdraw at the last moment.

I have very little income and my impusive, 'I WANT'  behavior is starting to kick me in the balls.  Cultivating discipline is something I have no idea how to got about doing. Scheduling makes me panicky, seeing what little time I actually have and yet this freeform existance is getting me absolutely fucking nowhere.

I know I should listen to my elders, but I trust my mother's finanical advice enough to ignore the shit out of her. She and I have the same basic amount of money and yet she wonders why I want nothing to do with her advice. She and I have the same basic overly-sensitive temperment and quite frankly the best days I have ever had involve no interaction with her.

I suppose I stay the same because living this way, I manage to steal little moments of mental freedom and clarity for myself, moments where I can get away from the nasty emotional monkey-trap that is this house, is my job. Moments where I am not afraid to be a moody, overdramatic introverted extrovert and actually feel like myself.

After making the phone call to the suicide hotline, I realised alot of things about myself. Mainly that I am terribly obsessed with how I'm percieved to those I care for, my flagrant and nearly embarrassing loss of direction and my weariness of anyone I have had an emotionally stunted relationship with.

I've been rambling too much but ultimately.

I was too far lost to know that I was lost. Now that I know I am lost, I have no fucking clue how to get un-lost.

From shuten101_1001:

Finally free. Admitting to a suicidal desire, cyclic and twisting... is very liberating. I snapped at my mother and with the long conversation afterwards,  I suddenly feel unencumbered.

I will be making a few calls sometime tomorrow so I can get the help I so thoroughly deserve. 

I want to scream! I feel seething and angry and violent I have nowhere to channel this rage. I hear my parents talking about me in the living room and I can't hear them clearly. Something about a self-fufilling prophecy and joking about  me smoking. Apparently, since I smoke cigarettes, I must also have weed. Or at least that seemed to be the suggestion that my father made.  I admit that my anger may be for no reason, because I did not personally hear him say it. 

However judging by my mother's reaction "Don't say that!" while fucking laughing, half-shocked and half  hysterical.

I hate everything right now. And I am not exempt either.

 I mean, I feel like there is something fundementally wrong with me sometimes. I talk so big about how I want to change and yet when forced to have to work for it, I cower.

I become terrified and I don't want to and I make 1,000,000 different damn excuses for not making any progress and I would just rather not have to do anything. I don't remember being like this. Why did I let myself fall so far?

I feel like I worry too much about what others think of me and yet I'm terrified of being judged. I have no sense of self when it comes to my own desires. It's like they aren't worth me sacrifing and suffering for them. They aren't worth me arguing with my family. They aren't worth me trying. 

I'm so disgusted with myself I could spit. 

I just don't know how to stop being such a fucking doormat.

I wish I knew how to behave in accordance with what I believe. I wish I knew that I had something worth sacrificing that was mine and mine alone. Something that isn't me defending another person, that isn't me defending what another person and I have. I just want to know and think  and believe in something all byself. Not because it would be easier, not because it's what's expected of me. 

That one,right there. 

Yeah I joined the featured community. My status journal is shuten101_1001, feel free to friend it if you would like to see how I'm doing on my quest.

I personally welcome and urge all of you guys to do this thing with me. I sense so much improvement and I see so many oppoutunites to make connections. I will cheerlead for you guys with all my heart, because we all deserve the best things in life.

Anybody want to do this with me?

Working in retail
Those that say they like christmas
Are total liars

December two one
duality of solstice
US has Haiku Day?

I didn't think I
would be so good at writing
short, terse poetry

My birthday- March 3 is  also shared by:

Alexander Graham Bell, Scottish inventor (knew that)
Jean Harlow, American actress(knew that)
Dr. Arthur Kornberg, American Nobel Prize laureate (THE DUDE WHO DISCOVERED DNA OMG)
Perry Ellis, fashion designer( did not know that)
Marc Silvestri, American comic book artist and publisher (THE CEO OF TOP COW!!!)
Jackie Joyner-Kersee, American athlete (Knew that)
Tyler Florence, chef, Food Network personality, & cookbook author (Didn't know, me likey.)
Jessica Biel, American actress (I like her)

Sorry about the lack of updating, hopefully this will help. I've
signed up for multiple things by phone because I now have unlimited
texting and I must say I am excited.

Job searching is abysmal right now, but I don't feel quite as unhappy
about it. I'm not quite complacent- I want to do more than work in my
parent's house. I just don't feel completely pathetic.

If the moon's gravitational pull effects the tides, and the human body is made mostly of water- then sure, logically the moon would effect the body, right?

Also, werewolves. BEST LUNAR MYTH EVAR